I read fucking trans women at 3 am
I forgot how, but I just thought about Mira Bellwether
I remember reading that she was alone during her last months
Mentioned it to Audrey because she's really cool
It said she has followed her before she died
Didn't know what to say to that
Trans women always make me think of cycles
And in connection to Audrey age as well
It's another social construct that just holds us back
I think all the people I talk with are older than me
Used to be that way since whenever
And I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood
It comes up every once in a while
Like yesterday when I was struggling and I got reminded of worse times
But I remember feeling like I needed to hide my age
And this was before I even knew about minors dni freakazoids
As if minors even care about your dusty-ass bdsm gif blog!!
I gained consciousness and then I wanted to kill myself
I told Emma and Roza that they should read it
I'm still figuring that out
The sexuality thing
It's like whenever I try to grasp the transfeminine experience it just never comes across
You're told your body is ugly and unlovable and then you go to some bitch ass dusty subreddit or discord server of a reddit thing and people just use the term girlcock unironically
Being online during 2022 when people replaced gender roles with the top and bottom dichotomy is the queer instance of being forced to order lolita pieces on livejournal
And I doubt I'll use it that much
But it's so nice to read about trans women that's like
For us
By us
Like there's Nadia Nova and can you say my name again is a banger but then theres hopeless junction which involved a cis woman and then it just all fell down
We all fall down
And even now when I look at you
The word masking doesn't really make sense to me
I know I did it in the past because I used to watch videos about like eye contact and whatever the fuck and take notes
It didn't work and white women bullied me about it
And same thing goes for my NPD I guess
But the thing I learned with that
And that also extends to just like touch in general
Is that I was put off by doing that with like blood related family
Eye contact and physical affection
Of course I live in bumfuck nowhere suburbia so like having no one to implement that with
I'm contemplating telling you how cool it is that we are both here
I get that a lot
Really feeling the love for humanity to quote Sapphy
You know the game Civilization 5???
Of course I do I loved playing as french
YEahhh me too girl
You know the oasis biome
And then there's like the flood plains thing
Then either hills or an oasis
I often do the thing where I say something that could be read as lacking relevance then I reveal I was actually building up a metaphor
I'm so grateful for you and my dear lovely friends
"It sounds worse than it is. I am not a pathetic loner who no one touches, but I do wonder where all the touch went and why it went away."
"I think what's going on most of the time is that people - my friends included - are afraid that they're going to touch me in the wrong place or that it will seem disrespectful or something. Basically I think it's an attempt to be polite. I appreciate the sentiment, I guess? But it's misdirected, and if that politeness makes it all the way it becomes a real problem."
"PLEASE stop BEING POLITE, and if you are NOT being polite, then STOP THAT TOO please."
It's the movie that never gets filmed
It's the story we won't tell
And these days I'm thinking about the way I'm emotionally vulnerable with other people
I can really get dysphoric about anything
It's like
Talking about shit I normally don't talk about is liberating
I love the term edating
Why would I leave my room for someone who doesn't know Vriska Serket lore?
Especially if they aren't trans
Haiiiiii !!! ^_^
Saluuuut
She said uhh
I don't wanna look it back up because of the artistic process but I'm shit at paraphrasing
But it went on like
Without going thru your past you wouldn't know the people you know
And I felt that
People make fun of a lot of things
And it's true that we're broken
But we blend right in with all the debris
So as long as we're together
I want it to be five years in the future and for you to still be there
I'm scared when I say this but all I want in life is to live with you
And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function.
Oh so like trans women
I love us
Could never split on any of you
It's like whatever
Sometimes I see myself in my mom and I feel sad
I feel sad about cycles
Can we really change anything if it's all just fucking cycles?
And well if you want an equation for circles you have to use triangles
Leave my body to rot so it doesn't have to do anything with triangles

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